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I was convinced I had lost my glasses. So when the barmaid offered me a pair that looked vaguely similar …I don’t even know why I took my glasses to the pub the other day; it wasn’t as if I’d have to read anything. A long time ago, the dog casually inspected a Greggs bag and found an entire sausage roll in there; ever since, he can spot the branding from a mile away, and we tear in front of traffic from one side of the A3 to the other, finding similar bags, which usually contain only crumbs. That’s me by a bar. I know exactly what I’m looking for – I don’t need literacy.Nevertheless, I took my glasses, and the next day, couldn’t find them, and went back to check their lost property. They did have some glasses; it turns out they have a lot of pairs and this is true of all the pubs. Obviously, I couldn’t tell which were mine because I didn’t have my glasses. I could have put a pair on to check the others, but it felt kind of intrusive when I didn’t know the provenance, like breastfeeding someone else’s baby. M, the barmaid, was losing patience. Once she had to phone me to tell me she had my keys.Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist Continue reading...