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Kanisa George

"First is the worse, second is the best, third is the one with the golden dress."
As soon as we are able to conceptualise, we are taught the concept of winning. You may not have known it at the time, but competition underscored a large part of your childhood. Placing first in an exam or being a part of the winning team at a sports meeting forms a crucial part of our script.
In truth, winning and losing teaches children appropriate actions and reactions and helps them understand the ups and downs of life. In addition, it provides kids with skills to take on life by allowing them to realise that winning and succeeding are essential and that losing is equally important.
In reality, equal weight is seldom attached to both lessons and children cross into adulthood adequately versed in only the laws of winning.
Our innate and frequent uncontrollable urge to win has seeped into every part of our lives. Whether we push ourselves to best our personal records or fight tooth and nail against those we view as competitors, winning is almost always at the forefront of human thought.
Admittedly there is a danger with our constant need to be first, our constant need to win. And yes, a little competition is good for the soul, but has the overriding need to win made us less connected with our inner selves?
The most common behavioural trait that holds leaders back from further success is their desire to win too much. This, according to the author of What Got You Here Won't Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith. He found that the obsessive need to always come out on top leads to individuals putting down or ignoring their friends or team mates to feel superior.
It shouldn't surprise you that we all have a winner complex within us. For years research has shown that the desire to win could be related to dopamine, the pleasure chemical in the brain. Our brain constantly rewards social dominance with the good feeling of serotonin, causing us never to want to feel the lows of loss and only want to experience the highs of winning.
The world of social media has placed on us the image of perfection, arguably altering the desire for competition and taking it to a whole new level.
Take the woman vs other woman saga. It's a war that keeps on raging without an end in sight. A literature review by researcher Tracy Vaillancourt in 2013 found that women by and large express indirect aggression toward other women and that aggression is a combination of "self-promotion," making themselves look more attractive while being catty to other women.
Feminist psychologists believe that indirect aggression results from women internalising the patriarchy and conforming to the prescribed standards set by men. Professor of psychology Noam Shpancer writes that as women consider being prized by men, their ultimate source of strength, worth, achievement and identity are compelled to battle other women for the prize.
"When we tie our value to the people who can impregnate us, we turn on each other," he said.
This might explain why women easily fall prey to retroactive jealousy.
In the context of a relationship, retroactive jealousy is when someone is jealous of their partner's sexual or romantic past. This form of jealousy is a lot more common than most think, and psychologists believe it has a lot to do with a lack of self-worth stemming from comparison and, you guessed it, unhealthy forms of competition.
The desire to be the best might have something to do with being the most desired or the "chosen one." Exes troll through social media, looking at their former flame's new love interest, comparing appearance, accomplishments and anything else that comes to mind.
Relationship expert April Masini believes that women compare themselves to their ex's new partner or their current partner's last partner because they want to be the one and only. Since they can't, they want to be the best one ever. It all comes back to the great race and who's named victorious in the winner's circle. Men aren't exempt from these thoughts. Researchers found that the male ego is fuelled and maintained by competition, often tied to attention and desire. Does this make for a positive life experience? Perhaps not. An obsessive winning spirit can lead to a false sense of self and take us on a path marred by a lack of purpose and fulfilment.
Instead of creating healthy survival skills, our innate competitive nature is bogged down by self-comparison. The social comparison theory informs us that we compare ourselves to others to make accurate evaluations of ourselves. However, when practised compulsively, self-comparison distracts you from working on yourself and walking the path that is your very own.
The solution? A solid value system. And while it won't erase the desire to be the best or the web of self-doubt formed when we compare ourselves to others, it can act as an anchor leading us to a life on our terms without the constant need to win. So, is winning the end game? Or should we instead focus on positively highlighting our talents and abilities while embracing everything life throws us? Perhaps that's a more accurate sign of a winning spirit.
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