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THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY

BC PIRES

WHEN THE world gets ex-specially heavy, as we say, I think I might lighten my load by pulling some kind of Freaky BC Friday and switching places with someone else. Here are this week’s contenders:
Kyle Rittenhouse, just freed of murder charges.
Advantages:
* Only 18, so another possible 70 years of life, instead of the 20 or 25 I might expect.
* Well-founded sense that I could get away with anything now.
* Hero for the Fox News/That Firetrucker Carlson/Joe Biden President Denier/Optional brain crowd.
* Very likely to become very rich.

Disadvantages:
* Only 18, another possible 70 years of life etc.
* Would have to look like that for all of it.
* Hero for the Fox News etc crowd.
* At some stage, would probably take own life upon realisation of what I did.

Travis McMichael, just convicted of murder charges.
Advantages:
* Could get a part as an extra if someone remade Deliverance.
* Would have a Confederate flag I could take from my truck to put on my prison cell wall.
* Orange prison jumpsuit would match complexion.
* High level of personal satisfaction with so many black men to hate in prison.
* Would soon be more in touch with my feminine side.
* Would enter history books for all time as first white American lynch-mob leader actually punished.

Disadvantages:
* Would have to look like that.
* Would be filled with hate.
* Plus everything listed as advantages above.

Donald J for Jacka-- Trump.
Advantages:
* Would be too stupid to have any inkling of how stupid I am.
* Would not be burdened by even the slightest of principles.
* Rich (at least for a while longer).
* Would be genuinely unique as the only person in the world that particular colour.
* All the Big Macs and supersized fries I could stuff down my gullet every night.
* Melania.

Disadvantages:
* Don Jnr, Eric, Ivanka, Jared.
* Nicknames of Fat Nixon, Fat Abu Bakr and Fat Lukashenko.
* Micropenis.
* Would have to look like that.
* Would always be the stupidest man in the room.
* Crap golfer.
* Morbid obesity.
* Elephantine a--.
* Worst combover in history. Everything listed as advantages above (except Melania).
* Probably no new season of Celebrity Apprentice.

Sacked Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.
Advantages:
* Really cool, in a weird nerdish way, that my Scandinavian good looks clashed so well with my horrible Manchester English accent.
* Lasted way longer as United manager than anyone expected.
* Can finally stop faking being a top-flight football manager.

Disadvantages:
* Lingering TV image of me might be my slapping Slab Head McGuire’s hand in congratulation for getting himself sent off when we were “only” 2-1 down, before we went 4-1 down to Watford!

US Republican Senator Ted Cruz
Advantages:
* Too stupid to have any inkling of how stupid I am.
* Moustache.
* Could visit luxury Cancun resort in severe Texas winter (for two days).
* Too stupid to understand no one in the world likes me, not even my father or wife.

Disadvantages:
* Too cowardly to defend own father, wife or Constitution.
* Too cowardly to refuse to kiss the ring/a--e of the man who ran roughshod over all of the above.

Any West Indies cricketer
Advantages:
* Would get five days’ pay for two, maximum three days’ work in Test matches, 20-overs pay for maximum five overs’ work in T20 games.
* Would only have to field a bit, would hardly have to bowl and wouldn’t have to bat at all.
* Would be recognised immediately by every West Indian.

Disadvantages:
* Would be recognised immediately by every West Indian.
* Very difficult to come up with a positive statement for the post-match media conference.
* Would never be Man of the Match. Any match.

UK Prime Minister of Vote Leave Boris Johnson
Advantages:
* Would have a ridiculous haircut, rather than no hair at all.
* Would have lots of donor money and only have to give back tiny portion.
* Would have no sense of shame.
* Would have achieved highest office with absolute lowest standards of personal and professional conduct and no principles at all.
* Would get a lot of exercise flip-flopping on every decision.
* Would have one everlasting “Love of My Life.” Me.
* Would forever be the man who reunited the whole of Ireland.

Disadvantages:
* Would forever be the man who led Britain out of the European Union.
* Would one day realise that what I thought I was passing off as my shtick of being a floppy-haired, bumbling, incompetent buffoon was my true self.

BC Pires is a schizophrenic with Newsday. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com
The post Freaky BC Friday appeared first on Trinidad and Tobago Newsday.